BECAUSE I'M GERMANY
by sugarchupchup34
Summary: WHEN A MAN LOVES A DOG, PERHAPS TOO MUCH.
1. SO I HERD U LIEK DOGS

DERP DERP~

* * *

"RIGHT. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?" Germany yelled at no one in particular.

Only one idiot dared to put their hand up.

"Ve ve~ Doitsu Doitsu~"

"YES, ITALY?"

"Doitsu~ What's sex?"

The other nations collectively gasped, and Germany face palmed.

"ITALY, WHEN A MAN AND A DOG LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH… OH WHY DO I BOTHER? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FORGET AND ASK AGAIN. I ONLY TOLD YOU ABOUT SEX HALF AN HOUR AGO AND YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ALREADY? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND VERY INEFFICIENT. DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY SENSIBLE QUESTIONS?"

Again, just one hand rose.

"Ve~ But Doitsu, why do you have your dick in a dog?"

Everyone in the room turned to look at Germany, in sheer horror.

"BECAUSE I AM GERMANY OF COURSE. THERE'S A FUNNY STORY HERE THOUGH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT IT?"

Silence.

"WELL, BEING THAT MY COCK IS ACTUALLY FIVE BILLION MILES LONG (SUCK ON THAT PRUSSIA, WITH YOUR MEASLY FIVE METRES) IT GETS FROZEN UP SOMETIMES. SO WHEN I'M NOT VIOLATING PLUTO, I LIKE TO KEEP IT WARM IN A NICE DOG. YOU KNOW, TO DEFROST IT A BIT. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY! ANY MORE QUESTIONS?"

This time, two hands rose.

"WHAT IS IT SPAIN?"

"DIOS MIO. I'm late for my date with Dora the Explorer! Can I leave now, por favor?"

"YES SPAIN, YOU CAN LEAVE. IF DORA THE EXPLORER HAS ANY DOGS, PLEASE SEND THEM MY WAY. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY!"

Spain cheered and ran away, and Romano went to cry in the corner. But no one cared.

"NOW ITALY, WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?"

"Veee~ Doitsu~ How do dogs have sex?"

"LIKE I DO, WITH OTHER DOGS. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY! NOW, THIS MEETING IS OVER BEFORE USELESS ITALY OVER THERE ASKS ANOTHER STUPID QUESTION. I'M OFF TO BUY SOME RUSSIAN HOOKER DOGS. CIAO, BITCHES. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY!"

However before Germany could leave, the building was annihilated by a bajillion nuclear Shinatty missiles, leaving Spain the only nation left in the whole world. So with Dora the Explorer as his child-Queen, he reigned for another 47 years before succumbing to zombie dinosaurs that were created as a result of the Shinatty missiles.

THE END.


	2. SPAIN'S KAWAII DATE

SINCE EVERYONE THINKS THIS IS KAWAII I MADE A SEQUEL WHICH TELLS YOU ABOUT SPAIN'S LIFE AFTER EVERYONE DIES. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT DESU DESU!

* * *

About five minutes after leaving the meeting, Spain heard a loud bang and the dying screams of his fellow nations. However his stupid little mind decided to focus on one thing, the delicious loli he was going to meet. So he flamencoed his way to a sugoi restaurant without looking back, which is a good thing because the melting nations behind him would definitely put him off his dinner.

Dora the Explorer was already waiting there when he arrived.

"HOLA SPAIN, YOU'RE SO LATE!"

Spain shrugged.

"I'm so sorry kawaii Dora the Explorer-chan, Italy kept asking stupid questions about Germany having his cock in a dog, because he's Germany. But I'm here now so let's go and eat."

So he put his arm around his girlfriend and they went into the restaurant. HOWEVER nothing could prepare them for what they saw! Everyone in the restaurant was dead!

"OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DEAD!"

So they put the TV on, to see if there was anything on the news. Suddenly a report came on, in Spanish (which was weird because they were actually in Russia) saying that everyone who wasn't Spanish had died suddenly.

And Spain was all "OH MY GOD DORA THE EXPLORER, THIS MEANS THAT I AM THE BEST NATION IN THE WORLD NOW. AND YOU CAN BE MY QUEEN AS LONG AS YOU DON'T AGE."

Dora the Explorer blushed, because she wasn't used to being complimented by someone so old and kawaii.

"Of course Mr Spain, this is sooo kawaii!"

And so Spain molested her right there in the restaurant, and she got pregnant!

"Wow Dora the Explorer, we have a baby that is half nation half cartoon character. What shall we call it?"

Dora the Explorer giggled, since she was still four years old.

"Let's call it Yuki, that sounds like a kawaii name!"

So they became King Spain, Queen Dora the Explorer and Princess Yuki.

Then about forty years later, these zombie dinosaur monsters appeared.

"NOOOOOO SPAIN WE MUST PROTECT OUR BABY!"

Dora the Explorer, who was still four, tried to run away from the monsters but she tripped over a five billion mile long fossilised penis (THAT'S GERMANY'S IF YOU HAVEN'T GUESSED) and so the zombies got her.

Spain was so sad, because he loved Dora the Explorer's succulent young body, and the baby was almost of a decent age to be molested herself. (Spain's not sick guys, babies are a step too far!) So he went and committed suicide by throwing himself dramatically at the zombie dinosaurs and got eaten.

And so the world ended and God was happy because he hated those bitches anyway.


	3. AMURIKUH'S HEROIC QUEST

Once upon a time there lived an alien called Tony. He used to hang around on earth, but then had to go on a TOP SECRET MISSION in outer space, so he left for 500 years. Then he came back, to see what was happening on earth.

"OMG WHAT IS THIS?"

When he landed in his kawaii UFO, he could see no people anyway.

"THIS IS STRANGE, WHEN I LEFT THERE WERE LIKE BILLIONS OF THEM. HOW COULD THEY ALL HAVE DIED?"

Tony was very puzzled, and so he decided to fly around earth to see where everyone was. Eventually he found a big puddle of melted nation.

"WHAT'S HAPPENED HERE? WAIT MAYBE I CAN BRING THEM BACK…"

So Tony did some weird alien thing and suddenly, a nation appeared!

"OH HEY TONY! WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYONE? IT WAS LIKE, SHINATTYS FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND EVERYONE STARTED MELTING! CAN WE GO AND GET SOME HAMBURGERS NOW?"

OF COURSE, THE NATION WHO WAS REVIVED WAS AMERICA!

"I'm afraid not America. Everyone else is dead! But I know how to get them back, you need to find the evil scientist and save the world. BE THE HERO AMERICA, BE THE HEROOOOOOO."

With that, Tony faded away. America was now all alone.

"YES. I WILL BE THE HERO DA ZO."

America stood there for like seven hours in a heroic pose, despite the fact that it was Russia and therefore -83954835784793774878 degrees outside. BUT IT WAS OK, HEROES DON'T GET FROZEN BY RUSSIA DA ZEEE.

"I WILL FIND THE SCIENTIST, AND BE THE HERO!"

And so America went on his heroic journey. On the way, he met a zombie dinosaur (the same one that ate Queen Dora the Explorer and Princess Yuki, coincidentally). The zombie dinosaur roared at him, and America got scared and said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air." Those were the magic words that destroyed all zombies so the dinosaur died, and America was able to continue onwards.

Eventually America reached the ocean, and was all like "OH SHI- I CAN'T SWIM!". Fortunately, a passing whale offered to take him across the sea. It was then that America realised that he didn't know where the evil scientist lived.

"HEY YOU WHALE. WHERE DOES THE EVIL SCIENTIST LIVE? I NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE I'M ON A HEROIC QUEST. IF YOU TELL ME I WILL GIVE YOU THIS HALF EATEN CHEESE BURGER DA ZO."

The whale agreed to take him the evil scientist's lair, but gave the cheese burger to a passing sea horse because it was lactose intolerant. Eventually they reached their destination, and the whale threw America out.

"THANKS WHALE, WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH MY HEROIC QUEST COME TO MY HOUSE AND I WILL MAKE YOU PRESIDENT OR SOMETHING!"

The whale made that moany sound that whales do, and left. America was alone again but TTLY NOT SCARED YOU GUYS even though there were probably ghosts and shit in this evil lair. He went inside, but froze when he heard a voice.

"AMERICA WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE EH?"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE?"

"I'M CANADA, YOUR BROTHER EH."

"WHO?"

"CANADA EH!"

"WHO?"

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"ENOUGH. I WILL DESTROY YOU NOW EH!"

America was now ttly scared. This strange unknown person who kept saying eh and smelt like maple syrup was going to try and kill him! THE HERO! This evil deed could not go unpunished, however he first had to destroy the evil scientist…

"Um, Canadia or whatever your name is, can you tell me where the evil scientist is? I need to kill him to bring everyone back to life DA ZE."

Canada laughed maniacally. .

"YOU FOOL AMERICA, I AM THE EVIL SCIENTIST EH. THIS IS MY REVENGE FOR EVERYONE FORGETTING ME."

And then America was like whatever and shot him in the face.

"DON'T YOU TRY AND KILL THE HERO DA ZO. TONY, I DID IT, I KILLED THE EVIL SCIENTIST!"

Tony appeared out of nowhere and congratulated Amurrikuh.

"WELL DONE AMERICA. Now the world is back to normal. You truly are a HERO."

And then they went home and everything was fine. Except Spain was dead because he wasn't killed by the evil scientist, so he never came back. And then they woke up and it was all a dream.


	4. SPAINJESUS

HAY U GAIS. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED MOAR KAWAII SO HERE YOU GO.

* * *

Except it wasn't a dream and Germany woke up with his dick in a dog.

"Ve~ Doitsu Doitsu ve~"

So Germany turned round and slapped Italy in the face with his 5 billion mile long cock, dog still attached. Italy burst into tears.

"Zato uwazu noto beri naisu, Doitsu-san."

So Germany turned round and slapped Japan too.

"QUIET BITCH. I AM GOING TO RAPE SOME DOGS, I EXPECT YOU TO HAVE MY DINNER ON THE TABLE WHEN I COME BACK. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY."

Japan bowed deeply, like the woman he is.

"Iesu masutaa."

And Germany skipped off into the sunset, searching for some kawaii doggies.

"Kami-sama, ai kannotto faindo einii wurusuto! Puriizu herupu mii samuuanu!"

Japan put on his kawaii face, and several perverted nations began to pledge their help. So eventually they set off in search of meat with which to make wurst.

Eventually they came across a zombie dinosaur, and America spoke the ~*magical words*~ that killed it, and so they had some meat. He was just starting to drag it away when England noticed something hanging out of its mouth.

"BLOODY HELL. IT'S THAT BASTARD SPAIN. HOW THE BLOODY HELL DID HE GET HERE OLD CHAPS?"

"Parce que he is dating an explorer these days Angleterre, it's obvious that he would have no problem navigating here."

England punched a pidgeon out of sheer rage.

"YOU STUPID FRENCH GIT. HE HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN EATEN BY THAT BLOODY GREAT LUMP OF ZOMBIE DINOSAUR. STAND BACK AND I WILL GO INTO NARNIA, GET THE MAGICAL SHIT I LEFT IN THERE, AND MAKE HIM COME BACK TO LIFE, THE STUPID SOD."

So England climbed into Japan's kawaii sleeve and went to Narnia.

"ALRIGHT YOU WANKERS, STAND BACK OR I'LL FUCKING BANG YOU OUT INNIT. ABRACADABRA!"

And as if by magic, Spain came back to life.

"OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, WHERE IS MY BELOVED DORA THE EXPLORER? AND LITTLE BABY YUKI-CHAN?"

"JE SUIS DESOLE, BUT THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT."

" NOT MY DEAREST DORA THE EXPLORER! Hey how come you losers are alive again?"

"BECAUSE I'M THE HERO AND I BROUGHT EVERYONE BACK TO LIFE! I SHOT THIS CANADIA GUY IN THE FACE, HE KEPT SAYING EH AND SHIT, SO HE HAD TO GO."

France and England started beating on America.

"FOOLISH BOY, CANADA WAS YOUR BROTHER, HOW COULD YOU FORGET HIM?"

"YEAH, YOU'RE SO STUPID. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND DIE."

America started crying, so England and France stopped hitting him and started beating on the pidgeon again. Stupid fucking pidgeon, it was probably a Russian spy anyway.

"HEIII MINNA-SAMA. Ai niido tsu getto bakku tsu Doitsu-san biikosu ai niido tsu meiku hisu dinaa."

"OK JAPAN, LET'S GO."

America dragged the zombie dinosaur back to the kitchen, where Japan made delicious wurst for everyone. It was quite lucky because Germany came back home just as Japan was putting dinner on the table.

"HELLO EVERYONE, I'VE HAD 38594758435789345789 DOGS ON MY COCK TODAY. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY!"

Everyone greeted Germany, and they all started eating together. Interestingly enough the zombie dinosaur wurst tasted exactly like rape. Which is exactly what they all did to Italy, because it was meccha kawaii and he was asking for it.


	5. MEANWHILE IN SOVIET RUSSIA

HELLO MINNA-SAN. THIS TIME IT IS RUSSIA'S TURN TO BE ALL KAWAII. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!

* * *

MEANWHILE IN SOVIET RUSSIA.

(IN SOVIET RUSSIA MEANWHILE)

Belarus was very sad. (SADFACE. JPG ) For about 500 years, she was one with Russia. ALRIGHT, SO EVERYONE ELSE HAD BEEN TOO, IN THAT BIG PILE OF LIQUID NATION. But that wasn't the point.

"Oh, why won't nii-san marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry marry me? All I ever wanted was marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage…"

Out of nowhere, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"WHAT THE SHIT. THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE YOU LITHUANIA OR I WILL DESTROY YOU RECTALLY."

But it wasn't Lithuania. It was someone she couldn't quite remember, though she might have if he hadn't been shot in the face. (who am I kidding, no one remembers America's Hat)

"I can help you become one with Russia, my dear, if you can help me take down America eh."

It took little Belarus all of -0.0001 split seconds to agree. Afterall, who cares about America when you can have RUSSIA?

"Meet me outside Russia's house at 6:58pm. Wear a wedding dress eh."

Belarus was just SO happy that she didn't notice the mysterious stranger slipping away. She decided to go home and pick out a super kawaii wedding dress. She also got out her SOVIET mobile phone and called her girlfriends. (that's Ukraine, Hungary and Poland btw) She would need loads of help if she was going to look like the ultimate in communist kawaii that night.

When everyone was there, they helped Belarus pick out her favourite black wedding dress. (because she's a goth, obviously. It had corset lacing and shit because she was just SO GOTH) Poland decided to bring so vodka so soon they were all drunk.

"I LIKE, FUCKING LOOOOOVE PONIES!"

"OMG Poland you are so kawaii. Ponies are real kawaii cute!"

So Belarus was ready. She had dyed her hair red and black (just like a tru goffik ) and then her nails were also black and red. They were all pointy and shit too because Hungary had given her a kawaii manicure. Her makeup was all black, and her face was all white like a White Russian.

They got to Russia's house and the mysterious guy was already there. But Canada thought that Belarus was SO KIREI DESU that he married her right then.

Meanwhile in Russia's house, Russia was just chillin' with the Baltics.

"Lithuania, I am thinking that it would be fun to have my dick in a dog, like Germany, da. Maybe you should be trying it for me, da?"

Lithuania shook his head, BECAUSE HE WAS A CAT PERSON DAMNIT.

"THERE IS NO SHAKING THE HEAD IN SOVIET RUSSIA, COMRADE. WHAT WOULD STALIN SAY, DA?"

So the other Baltics brought in a dog.

"BUT I AM FAILING TO MENTION, RUSSIAN DOG IS A BEAR DA!"

"So… Mr Russia… You want me to put my dick in this dog?"

Lithuania was like, D:.

"No, no! In Soviet Russia, dog has dick inside of you da!"


	6. WELL FUCK ME, IT'S THE TEA POLICE INNIT

SHO KAWAII UGUUUU.

* * *

One day, America was tired so he decided that he would sit down and have a nice warm cup of tea. YES, TEA. IT'S OKEY, HE'S AMERICAN. He decided against adding milk because milk is gross. All of a sudden there was an almighty CRASH and one of his walls was no longer there.

"ENGLAND, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HOUSE DA ZO?"

"BLOODY HELL LAD, YOU WEREN'T ABOUT TO DRINK THAT TEA WITHOUT PUTTING MILK IN IT WERE YOU?"

"YES I WAS ACTUALLY. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, THE TEA POLICE?"

England pulled a badge out from his eyebrows.

"As a matter of fact son, yes I am. And you're nicked!"

So England arrested America, who magically seemed to lose his super strength the second England touched him.

"WELL AREN'T WE FEELING KINKY TODAY OLD MAN."

"WHAT WAS THAT BOY? I'LL SHOW YOU OLD MAN."

He grabbed America by the hair and forced him to the ground.

"I AM GOING TO PUT MY DICK IN YOU, LIKE YOU WERE A DOG. TALLY HO!"

Then they had consensual sex in the missionary position, with the lights turned off. No homo. (balls weren't touching)

Unbeknownst to them, Hungary and Japan were watching at the window, with infrared cameras.

"Oh Hungary, my tentacles are getting so excited."

YES, JAPAN HAD FINALLY SHAKEN OFF THAT AWFUL ACCENT.

"Careful Japan, you know what happened last time…"

BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. JAPAN'S TENTACLES BURST FREE IN A GLORIOUS EXPLOSION OF SLIMY GREEN STUFF. And Hungary was all "WTF JAPAN THIS DRESS IS DESIGNER I'M GOING TO HAVE TO STEAL PRUSSIA'S CREDIT CARD AGAIN TO GET ANOTHER ONE."

The tentacles consumed America's house, penetrating every single little hole.

"BLOODY HELL AMERICA, YOU'RE ALL WET AND SLIMY. YOU NEED TO HAVE A BATH, LAD."

"DUDE, ENGLAND, IT'S TOTALLY NOT ME! OH FUCK WHAT IS THAT?"

Both America and England were being molested by tentacles. The slimy appendages tore them apart with a loud SHHHHLIIICK.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON! DO SOMETHING AMERICA, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BLOODY HERO YOU GIT."

"I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING! THEY'RE JUST TOO STRONG FOR ME."

The tentacles raped them thoroughly.

A few months later, America got a phone call from England.

"BLOODY HELL AMERICA. I THINK I'M PREGNANT."

"OMG ENGLAND, ME TOO. IT WAS THOSE… TENTACLES RIGHT?"

"WELL FUCK ME, I SUPPOSE IT WAS. WELL, CHEERIO THEN."

About eight months after that, America and England both gave birth to millions on green alien tentacle babies. They were all pretty kawaii, until they started growing up. They kept attacking nations and shit. (they also took all the dogs, so Germany tried to commit suicide. Thankfully Italy-chan found him just in time!)

OH NO. WHO WILL SAVE THE WORLD THIS TIME?


	7. EPIC GERMANIC DANCE PARTY

SINCE YOU ARE ALL SO KAWAII I MADE SOME MORE KAWAIINESS FOR YOU. STAY KAWAII, BITCHES!

* * *

Germany was severely pissed off. He had no dogs to put his cock in, and even worse he had to come up with a new catchphrase. (BECAUSE "BECAUSE I'M GERMANY" WOULDN'T WORK IF HE COULDN'T PUT HIS DICK IN A DOG, FUCKFACES) Suddenly, a swarm of green tentacle rape babies came blasting through the window. Germany was about to shit himself, but realised that they were terrified of something.

"GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN, AND STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER!"

Followed by the sound of a fucking machine gun. Because Switzerland is a cool guy, eh kills aleins and doesnt afraid of anything. He also wears a Milka tshirt, because he is THAT badass. So anyway, he started chasing the rape babies around Germany's house. A door opened and Austria appeared.

"DO YOU PEOPLE MIND. Some of us are trying to play the tetris theme on piano. GO 'WAY."

"Austria, this is my house."

Austria shrugged, and picked up a very old, expensive-looking (STRADIVARIUS!) violin.

"Technicalities, technicalities. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to help Switzerland kill those aliens."

Austria ran off after Switzerland, IN A VERY DIGNIFIED MANNER AND NOT AT ALL LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL, before Germany could object. Then Prussia appeared from out of nowhere, wearing sunglasses despite the fact that it was winter and he hadn't been outside in like a year.

"BRUDER, WE MUST HELP THEM FIGHT THE ALIEN TENTACLE RAPE BABIES. IT IS OUR DESTINY!"

Then Prussia ran off after Austria, brandishing a FUCKING MASSIVE SWORD. Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, you might as well join 'em (AND CATCH 'EM ALL). So Germany decided to follow.

"WAIT!"

"GERMANIA, WTF ARE YOU DOING ALIVE?"

"I GUESS KILLING THAT EVIL SCIENTIST BROUGHT US ANCIENT NATIONS BACK TO LIFE TOO. WATCH OUT FOR ROME, HE'S A REAL DICK."

"SURE, BUT WON'T YOU HELP US KILL THE ALIENS? DO YOU HAVE A BOW, SINCE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY LEGOLAS?"

Germania nodded and then they too ran off after everyone else. Eventually they chased the aliens outside, and then started a badass Germanic style beatdown.

"HEY GERMANY, DON'T YOU NEED A WEAPON?"

"NO. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED. BECAUSE I'M GERMANY!"

THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS THE CATCHPHRASE GERMANY HAD BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL DAY. HE STARTED TO GLOW, LIKE HE WAS POWERING UP.

"OMG BRUDER IS GOING SUPER SAIYAN."

And he was. Germany was totally going super saiyan, because his new catchphrase gave him almost as much power as the old one.

"KAAMEEHAAMEEHAAA!"

GERMANY TOTALLY BLASTED THEM ALL, AND THEY ALL DIED.

"FUCK YEAH, I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED, BECAUSE I'M GERMANY!"

Then Austria started playing some crazy yodel music on his violin, and everyone got their lederhosen on and started dancing. Some hot bitches appeared with beer, and everyone partied German style for like a whole year.

The party however was broken up when Belarus and that mysterious guy whose name I can't remember came back from their honeymoon and told them to TURN THAT SHIT THE FUCK DOWN, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP. OTHERWISE WE'LL CALL THE POLICE! Since everyone was scared of Belarus, they did as they were told and everyone lived happily ever after.


	8. PREPARE FOR ESPERANTO!

Once the EPIC DANCE PARTY was over, Germany was bored. He needed to get back his supply of kawaii dogs, he'd even made Italy crawl around naked going 'WOOF WOOF' but it just wasn't the same. So he was sat alone, on the sofa, doing nothing, which was a TERRIBLY INEFFICIENT use of his time. Just then, Prussia came in and sat beside him and turned the TV on. (Germany didn't think of watching TV because you can't put your dick in one, trufax) All of a sudden a news report came on.

"A DOG HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO-"

"AW BRUDER THIS IS SHIT, I WANT TO WATCH SOMETHING AWESOME. LIKE ME, THE AWESOME PRUSSIA. FIVE METRES, FUCK YEAH! ISN'T THAT RIGHT LITTLE BIRD!"

"AW HELL NO! THIS IS ABOUT A DOG, SHUT UP YOU STUPID CHILD."

Prussia did as he was told, though not because he gave a shit what his brother said, but because he was now talking to his little bird in Esperanto.

"KIO ESTAS TIO? TIO ESTAS HUNDO! Jes, tio estas hundo. Unu bieron, mi petas!"

"YES, SEVENTEEN WHOLE PUPPIES. AREN'T THEY JUST KAWAII?"

Germany leapt to his feet.

"PRUSSIA, STOP TALKING IN THAT STUPID LANGUAGE AND LISTEN TO ME. WE HAVE TO GET THAT DOG AND HER BABIES. IF NOT I THINK MY GINORMOUS COCK WILL DIE."

"BUT WEEEEEEEEST, THIS LITTLE BIRD AND I WERE ABOUT TO GO GET HAMMERED."

Yeah, Prussia is a whiny bitch. DEAL WITH IT, FAGGOTS.

"THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT NOW! FETCH LEGOLAS FROM THE BASEMENT AND LET'S GO!"

"But… HE'S BEEN PLAYING WORLD OF WARCRAFT EVER SINCE HE CAME BACK TO LIFE, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE?"

"IDK, YOU'RE LIKE A MILLION YEARS OLDER THAN ME, FIGURE IT OUT."

Seven hours later they were ready to go.

"GUYS. This had better not take long, I need to get back to kill Rome!"

"SHUT UP LEGOLAS."

It was a long car journey but eventually the made it to where the dog lived. Germany walked up to the front door and knocked.

"Hello good people, I am your nation, I understand you have a dog. I would like to purchase this dog from you. I have with me seventy billion euros, I hope you find my offer suf-"

And the door was slammed in his face, because these people don't really believe in putting your dick in a dog.

"WEST, YOU'RE SO DUMB. LET'S JUST INVADE THEM."

"YEAH, I WANT TO INVADE SOMEONE. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG."

So Prussia and Germania invaded the vital regions of the house.

"WE CLAIM THIS LAND AS PART OF THE KAWAII GERMAN EMPIRE."

"KESESESESESE YEAH."

"PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!"

"MAKE IT DOUBLE!"

"TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION!"

"TO UNITE ALL PEOPLES WITHIN OUT NATION!"

"TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LO-"

They didn't get a chance to finish because Germany knocked them out with a spare tyre and took them and the dogs home. (The dog's owners had long since been killed off, don't worry!)

AND EVERYTHING WAS BACK TO NORMAL.

Germany had his dick in a dog, Prussia got hammered with his little bird, and Germania went back to pwning Rome. Until their house got targeted one day by terrorists!


	9. GO GO G5 RANGERS

STAY KAWAII, BITCHES~

* * *

"OH GOD, WE'RE SURROUNDED BY TERRORISTS!"

"DON'T PANIC WEST, THERE SHOULD BE A TERRORISM BUTTON AROUND SOMEWHERE."

They both ran around, trying to find the damn button. The ~mAgIcAl~ button that would save them from the evil terrorists!

"FUCK'S SAKE."

Prussia threw a half empty bottle at the wall in frustration. Surprisingly, it revealed the sparkly purple terrorism button. Germany pressed it BECAUSE HE'S GERMANY, and an alarm started to go off. Germania came upstairs to see what all the noise was about, just in time to see five colourful spandex-clad human-shaped things parachute in from nowhere. As they landed they struck retardedly ott fighting poses.

"AMERICA RED!"

"FRANCE BLUE!"

"RUSSIA PIIIIIIIINK~"

"… England yellow. (fucking wankers)"

"CHINA GREEN!"

"AND TOGETHER WE ARE…"

"THE WORLD TASK FORCE: G5!"

They finished all together, some task force members putting in more enthusiasm than others. (England, you slacker!)

"WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, GUYS? I'M THE LEADER DA ZO, I GUARANTEE WE WILL DESTROY THE TERRORISTS BECAUSE I'M THE HERO!"

Germany was totally face palming.

"GREAT, WEST. NOW WE'RE SCREWED. CAPTAIN RETARD IS GOING TO JUST FUCKING CHARGE IN THERE AND GET BEATEN UP, FROGBREATH IS JUST GOING TO SURRENDER, EYEBROWS WILL TRY AND KILL THEM WITH SARCASM AND THAT STUPID CHAIR WHEN HE SHOULD JUST TRY COOKING FOR THEM, THE COMMIE BASTARD WILL BE BREAKING THE CHAIR WITH HIS FAT ASS, AND CHINKY CHOO CHOO WILL JUST FAIL BECAUSE HE'S MADE IN CHINA. THE ONLY WAY WE COULD DO WORSE IS IF YOU CALLED ITALY. FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M GOING TO GO DRINKING WITH LEGOLAS AND GO PISS OFF AUSTRIA. SEE YA WEST."

So Prussia and Germania left via the supaa sekrit underground passage, and much lulz were had at Austria's house.

Meanwhile, the G5 Rangers were setting up some music instruments.

"WTF ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF THE TERRORISTS?"

Germany was so angry that he couldn't even put his dick in a dog.

"WE'RE GOING TO PLAY THEM A SONG. BECAUSE OF A MILLION RIDICULOUS TREATIES, WE HAVE TO USE NON-VIOLENT METHODS. PRETTY GAY HUH? ANYWAY I CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN BECAUSE I'M THE HERO! I'M THE LEAD SINGER AND THESE GUYS ARE MY BACK UP!"

So in this crazy band, you have America as the lead singer, England and France on guitars, China on bass and Russia on drums. CHOU KAWAII NE?

They started playing something and it was so awful Germany thought he may never put his cock in a dog ever again! And America started singing:

"LIKE A PERSOCOM I'M TEACHING YOU

LIKE A POKEMON I PIKACHU

LIKE MARIO AND PEACH I'M NEVER REACHING YOU

LIKE GUNDAM SEED YOU'RE MY DESTINY

LIKE ED I LUST FOR YOUR ALCHEMY

I GET A LIGHTNING KICK FROM YOU JUST LIKE CHUN-LI

FOR YUNA AND ZELDA AND CHI I'D DO ANYTHING

FOR YUI I'D DO ANYTHING…"

The beat abruptly changed, though the terrorists were starting to get into the song.

"WE'RE NO STRANGERS TO LOVE

YOU KNOW THE RULES AND SO DO I

A FULL COMMITMENT'S WHAT I'M THINKING OF

YOU COULDN'T GET THIS FROM ANY OTHER GUY

I JUST WANNA TELL YOU HOW I'M FEELING

GOTTA MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP…"

By this time the terrorists were starting to get pissed off, they were being RICKROLL'D FFS. By a bunch of retards in spandex. So they decided to leave.

THE DAY WAS SAVED, ONCE MORE, THANKS TO THE WORLD TASK FORCE: G5. AND JUST IN TIME FOR TEA.


	10. PROSECCO IS FUCKING GAY

But who needs tea, when you can have delicious champagne? Oui? Oui?

Or not because no one actually buys champagne these days since Italian shit is cheaper lol. This made France VERY SAD.

"OH WHY WILL NO ONE BUY MY BEAUTIFUL CHAMPAGNE? IT IS LIKE, SO TRES BIEEEEN."

After crying forever and baking a million pastries out of grief, France decided that he needed to get revenge on those UGLY, FAT, STUPID, GAY Italians.

"HON HON HON I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO!"

So France put on his robe and wizard hat and set off for north Italy. (that was a disguise in case anyone recognised him, NOTHING CAN BE ALLOWED TO RUIN THE PLAN) When he arrived at Italy's house, he sneaked in because the idiot always left a spare key under the mat. He could hear laughter and splashing and shit from upstairs, so he followed where the sounds were coming from.

He slammed open the bathroom door and THERE THEY WERE. BATHING IN DELICIOUS PROSECCO SPUMANTE. (not frizzante because that would just be gay) France was beyond angry.

"WHAT DO YOU FUCKERS THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

Both Italies stopped their playful frolicking and started crying.

"WE SURRENDER! VEEE~ DOITSU COME HELP MEEEEE VE~"

"CHIGIIII SPAIN COME AND SAVE ME!"

With all that shouting and wailing, France got scared too and started surrendering AS BLOODY USUAL.

"I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

"NO I SURRENDER!"

All this surrendering disturbed Rome, who came upstairs VERY ANGRY. Especially because Germania had just pwned his ass on WoW.

"ALRIGHT YOU FAGGOTS. I will decide once and for all who has the greatest wine."

So Rome tried samples of each of them.

"I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION that you are all fucking gay. Now stop being annoying, I raised you all better than this!"

"No you didn't, you were pretty shit as a grandfather."

It was Rome's turn to start crying. (leave him alone! He's had a hard enough day already with Germania being a Germanic bastard ffs)

"ALL I EVER WANTED… WAS TO BE THE FAIRY PRINCESS. BUT NO, YOU HAVE ALL JUST RUINED MY DREAMS. I AM GOING BACK TO MY LAPTOP NOW, MAMA GREECE WANTS TO CYBER WITH ME."

France was all FUCK IT, I'M LEAVING so he streaked past the naked Italians, groping them as he went past. Even though he knew that Spain and Germany were probably going to rape him for it. (if they could get over Dora the Explorer and stop putting their dicks in dogs, that is!) Next time he was going to go beat up Russia for buying so much yucky Italian wine. What could go wrong with that plan?

OH WAIT.

NAPOLEON.


	11. OBLIGATORY CHRISTMAS CHAPTER DESU

HAVE A KAWAII CHRISTMAS, MINNA-SAMA~ BTW THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO SOMEONE WHO IS SOOOO KAWAII, AND THE ORIGINAL DORA THE EXPLORERXSPAIN FAN DESU.

* * *

It was Christmas Eve, and America was getting ready for the FUCKING EPIC Christmas party he was going to have. Everyone was going to be there, even creeps like Russia and France. It would be so cool. He had been decorating his for like, FOREVER just so everyone else could see how EPIC he was.

OMG HE WAS JUST SO HEROIC.

He just could wait for everyone to see what he'd bought them. For England, he'd bought a pass for free McDonalds for a whole year. Everyone knew how much England LOVES McDonalds, he's just a big tsun tsun dere dere. For France, he had bought some underwear that was superglued around the edges, because no one wants to see France take it off. (it was sexy woman's underwear so it wasn't TOO bad) For Italy, he'd invented a PASTA BURGER. Which was way better than any of Italy's crappy pasta dishes. (MOAR SALT AND FAT, YESSSSS) There were a load more but no one cares. There was also some maple syrup for someone whose name America couldn't really remember… But he had an idea that he really fucking loved maple syrup. (IMPORTED FROM CANADA NO LESS)

America had struggled to find a dog that would let him wrap it, so he settled for a stuffed dog with a hole in it for Germany.

Anyway EVERYTHING WAS READY. There was a million tonnes of AWESOME AMERICAN FOOD, several lorries full of alcohol (because pretty much everyone is an alcoholic), and it was EVEN SNOWING. SO PRETTY KAWAII DESU.

So America decided to go to bed because he totally didn't believe in Santa anymore… Not after England left…

SAD FLASHBACK TIME.

"ENGLAND, YOU USED TO BE SO KAWAII…"

END SAD FLASHBACK.

So America woke up, and went downstairs to admire all of his HEROIC PRESENTS. HOWEVER. EVERYTHING WAS GONE!

"TONY YOU DICK, YOU'D BETTER GIVE THEM BACK!"

But Tony hadn't stolen them. (he even pinky promised) America was super worried. He looked all round his house for the presents but he couldn't find them. He was almost in tears when the first guests arrived.

"HEY YOU GUYS. Um, I did have AWESOME presents for you, but they've been stolen!"

But no one believed America because he's kind of an idiot and always forgets shit like this.

"You bloody fool, there's no use lying. Just say that you forgot, we don't bloody care!"

"Oui, listen to kawaii Angleterre. It doesn't matter."

"BUT GUYS, I REALLY DID…"

"Oh bloody shut up and let's get pissed!"

So the other nations got drunk. But America was sad…

"IF ONLY I COULD FIND OUT WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS…"

But then, he noticed something. There was a trail of water heading out of the door!

"OMG, TONY LET'S FOLLOW THIS TRAIL!"

So they did, and it went for quite a while. Eventually, they found the culprit. America couldn't believe it!

"OMG IT'S YOU!"

IT WAS THE WHALE. THE ONE WHO HAD TAKEN AMERICA TO THE EVIL SCIENTIST'S LAYER.

"But… Why?"

The whale shed a single manry tear.

"Because you promised you'd make me president. But you never came back for me. I was so lonely… So lonely…"

America felt so bad for the poor thing.

"WELL YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ALONE ANYMORE. COME TO MYPARTY, WE'LL HAVE A KAWAII FUN TIME DA ZO!"

The whale accepted and so they went back to the party, with all the presents.

When they got back to the party America saw that they were all have an AWESOME time.

England and France were pissed out of their tiny minds, and dancing naked on top of a table. Germany had a dog on his cock BECAUSE HE'S GERMANY and was dancing with Italy, who was constantly asking is dog sex tasted like pasta. Spain was dressing Romano up as Dora the Explorer for the lulz. Russia had the Baltics walking round him in a conga line, occasionally throwing empty vodka bottles at them when they went too slow. Prussia and his little bird were teaching Hanatamago and various other creatures how to play strip poker. Japan and China were having some kind of weird kungfu ninja showdown, and were speaking in weird unkawaii moonspeak. Belarus and her mysterious husband were in the corner doing OH GOD I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW, PUT DOWN THAT LITRE BOTTLE OF MAPLE SYRUP MYSTERY MAN.

So America gave everyone their presents and everything was right in the world.

He declared the whale his boss that night too, and so they lived happily until the whale discovered that it couldn't actually live on land, and suffocated and died.

OM NOM NOM WHALE MEAT.


	12. RUSSIA IS SO FAT LIKE OMG

OMG U GAIS~~ SORRY FOR THE DELAY, I HOPE THIS IS KAWAII ENOUGH!

* * *

When the party was over, Poland got like so totally bored. Totally. He'd painted his nails every colour of the rainbow (ie neon pink, the baby pink, then hot pink, then fuschia, then sparkly pink… But you're all too mundane to get it so moving on.) He had rearranged his skirts so they now went from longest to shortest, instead of shortest to longest. He'd even given all of his My Little Ponies makeovers. So he did the next logical thing.

"OMG like, throwing stones at Liet is so totally fun!"

"But not as fun as partitioning, da!"

"STOP THROWING STONES AT ME YOU BIG BULLIES. ESTONIA AND LATVIA ARE JUST AS FUN TO TORMENT SO WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME?"

SUDDENLY a bear.

"Lithania~ It looks like Mr Bear is starting his mating season. Maybe you would like to have his kawaii babies da."

Lithuania ran away because mpreg is really uncool. In fact, if you like mpreg you might as well just get AIDS and die you sick fuck.

So while Estonia was trying to keep Latvia still because FFS WE NEED A CLEAR SHOT OF LITHUANIA BEING RAPED BY A BEAR FOR THE WEBSITE, Porando and Russia decided to go ruin someone else's life.

"Hey fatty, let's go pick on France!"

Russia was saddened by this, he isn't fat! Just big boned. Plus he has to wear lots of clothes because it's kind of cold in Russia if you haven't noticed.

"Poland, you don't really mean that right? I thought we were friends. D:"

A single icy tear ran down his cheek.

"Uh, duh! You are way too fat. But that's totally fine, I can help you get like, really cute and thin!"

"Really? You would help me? OMG."

Russia and Polololololololand held each other's hands and gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, until they realised that they still had to go and bully France. Arm in arm, they skipped through Europe until they reached France. Eventually they reached France's kawaii house. (which is actually the Eiffel tower, lol)

"SURPRISE!"

But they were the ones who were surprised, because as they leapt through the open window, they saw that France had his dick in…

"Oh don't look so surprised you fucking wankers."

YES, IT WAS ENGLAND. Who is such a slut btw, first America, then tentacles, and now France? I think we all know how STDs are perpetuated now… SO MUCH FOR BEING REPRESSED. France merely carried on, unperturbed.

"BONJOUR MES AMIES. If you just go and wait in the lounge I will be with you shortly. Angleterre shouldn't be too much longer."

"BOLLOCKS!"

With that, England hit France in the face and knocked him out.

"TALLY HO!"

Then he jumped out of the window that Polololand and Russia came in through, and ran away into the night. (and probably got raped on his way home, idc)

"Soooo… Like, what should we do now big guy?"

Russia blushed a little~

"You could tell me how to lose weight da?"

Porororororando leant in closer.

"The secret is…"

Russia felt he would just DIE out of anticipation.

"PUTTING YOUR DICK IN A DOG."

Russia SCREAMED because at the moment, Poland ripped his face off and it was really Germany!


	13. YO YO YO WASSUP BITCHES

EVERYTHING IS KAWAII~ SO SO KAWAII~

* * *

So basically, the whole theory that Germany is actually the Holy Roman Empire is bullshit. Because we've just proved that Germany was Poland all along. HRE DIED IN A WAR, GET OVER IT.

Though obviously, he came back to life with everyone else. Though instead of doing the obvious thing and join in with the epic Germanic dance partay, he decided that the most logical thing to do was to visit his ~beloved~ Itaria-chan.

"HO SHIT DAWG, I DON' REMEMBER NONE THIS SHIT BACK WHEN I LAST VISITED MA BITCH. DEM COLOURED THANGS BE FASTER THAN ANY DAMN HORSE I EVAH RODE YO!"

So because he was such a gangsta, he commandeered one of the coloured vehicle thingies and set off in the vague direction of Italy's house. Obviously, because he's from the past and doesn't give a shit about roads or how to drive etc he killed several random people and a couple of radioactive flying cows. But no one cares about humans or cows, JUST MOE MOE COUNTRIES DESU.

Eventually, he found Italy's house. He left the blood splattered thingy in the middle of the road (because parking is for poofs like France lol), and went and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a very kawaii young… MAN? WTF IS THIS SHIT?

"HEY BRO, WHO DA FUCK IS YOU AND WHERE IS MY ITALY-CHAN? I BEEN AWAY FIGHTIN AND NOW I'M BACK TO SEE MA HO. WHERE SHE BE AT, YO?"

But Italy couldn't reply because he was too busy being all "Ve~ Ve~ It's you Holy Roman Empire! Yaaay! What is sex? Ve~ Why did you take so long I got this close to cheating on you with Germany but he says that dog sex tastes better than pasta and pizza combined and so he doesn't want to do it with me any more because my dog impression isn't very good and I still pretend to be a virgin because I can't handle the shame of knowing that I'm not good enough for my beloved Doitsu…"

But HRE got bored and grabbed Italy's curl, making him actually piss himself. Because secretly, the stupid hair doesn't get them aroused, it just makes them want to pee really badly. If this turns you on, you are almost as much of a sick fuck as people who like mpreg. (fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap)

"OMG IT REALLY IS YOU ITALY. LIKE, WHY IS YOU A MAN? WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME YOU HO. I'M GONNA CUT YOU REAL BAD, INNIT."

"Well it's a long story… Ve~ Basically when I was a kid I was all gender confused and so I decided to dress like a girl. Hungary really helped me but I found out later that she just wanted to watch me and you get it on. Speaking of which would you like to take my virginity ve~"

All of a sudden there was a nasty burning smell, and thick black smoke came out of the kitchen.

"OMG I'VE BURNT MY PASTA! I WOULD HAVE LET YOU HAVE SOME BUT NOW IT'S RUINED!"

Italy started crying.

"YO BITCH. WHAT I TOLD YOU BOUT BURNIN MA DINNER? OH YOU GONNA PAY NOW YOU FILTHY SLAG."

And so HRE started beating up kawaii Italy-chan.

"YOU IS SUCH A BITCH, YOU IS NOT WORTHY OF SOME AWESOME GUY LIKE ME. SAY YOU IS SORRY, HO."

"I'm sorry ve~ So so sorry! I won't do it again ve~"

"YEAH, WELL I IS GONNA MAKE SURE DAT YOU NEVER DOES IT AGAIN YEAH."

And then HRE raped Italy in the hallway, even though the door was still open. But no one seemed to care, for some reason. Idk, maybe everyone in Italy is blind and deaf? Or just plain stupid. Hurrrr stereotypes.

Anyway, the world task force just happened to be flying overhead and saw what was happening.

"OMG GUYS. DO YOU SEE THAT DOWN THERE? I THINK I NEED TO BE THE HERO DA ZO."

"MAIS HE IS SIMPLEMENT SHOWING HIS AMOUR TO LITTLE ITALIE-CHAN. WE CANNOT STOP THEIR AMOUR~"

"I vote we do the opposite of what the stupid frog says. Also, can I go home now? I'M MISSING EASTENDERS YOU WANKERS."

"Maybe Italy would like to be one with kawaii Mother Russia da? We will have vodka and bears and sunflowers. So beautiful~"

"ARU~"

So they swooped down and saved Italy, then took HRE back to Germanyland.

"NOT ANOTHER ONE. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I ALREADY HAVE TO PUT UP WITH PRUSSIA AND GERMANIA? SOON THERE WILL BE BARELY ENOUGH SPACE TO PUT MY DICK IN A DOG."

"SORRY GERMANY BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HIM. BECAUSE I'M THE HERO."

Then they flew away, and they just managed to catch Eastenders.


	14. EELS UP INSIDE YA

After Eastenders was finished, England decided he would take a walk. It was a pretty nice day, so he went down to the canal near his house.

So he was walking along, minding his own business when…

All of a sudden…

Floating there in the water was…

A DEAD EEL OMG.

There were a couple of swans around too, but England didn't really care about them since he's eaten them often enough. But this eel was fascinating. It was just lying there, its eye was all white and shit. So he bent down for a closer look.

SUDDENLY, the dead eel leapt out of the water, knocking him off his feet. He was too surprised to do anything, so all he could do is sit there as the eel burrowed its way into his trousers.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU SLIMY BASTARD?"

The eel was ice cold, and its skin was soft and wet. He tried to put on his best tsundere face, but the slippery thing writhing about in his trousers just felt SO GOOD. NO. IT WAS SO WRONG. BEING VIOLATED BY A DEAD EEL SHOULDN'T FEEL GOOD AT ALL.

The eel penetrated him deeply. Its slimy skin was an excellent lubricant, and since England was such a slut it didn't hurt too much.

"BLOODY HELL, THIS IS BETTER THAN THAT TENTACLE MONSTER… OH GOD, HARDER EEL!"

So the eel obliged, England could feel it decomposing inside of him, its little dead body disintegrating with every single movement. As its skin ruptured, hundreds of squishy little pearly maggots burst out, which meant he was full of warm little insect bodies.

"OH GOD YES."

An elderly couple were walking a dog nearby and were ttly shocked to see England being violated by the dead eel. So shocked in fact, that they didn't see Germany run away with his dick in their dog. Such is life.

Suddenly, England was filled with the urge to eat. So he pulled the eel out, leaving a trail of liquidised eel guts behind it, and NOM NOM NOM'ED it. The sheer pleasure he got from this was enough to knock him unconscious.

Some time later, England woke up. He felt… Different. So he made his way back to his house because EASTENDERS IS ON AGAIN, I DON'T WANT TO MISS IT. He dripped dead eel guts and maggots all the way home.

"OMG ENGLAND, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?"

"QUIET BOY, OR I'LL CUT YOU."

America was all upset. First England came home GREEN when he's supposed to be the YELLOW RANGER and now he's being a cunt to THE HERO. Wut.

England had sat himself at the old piano that was conveniently there lol.

"I'm talking about EELS, boy. I'm talking about

EELS UP INSIDE YA

FINDING AN ENTRANCE WHERE THEY CAN

EELS UP INSIDE YA

FINDING AN ENTRANCE WHERE THEY CAN

BORING THROUGH YOUR MIND

THROUGH YOUR TUMMY

THROUGH YOUR ANUS

EELS!"

Whilst he was singing, England was hitting the keyboard randomly in time. Which was uh… Creepy. So America hit him over the head and threw him the bath so he could get all clean again.

But the next morning…


	15. I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER

SPOILER: FRANCE IS A DISNEY PRINCESS ON HIS DAYS OFF

* * *

The next morning, Sealand woke up because of Hanatamago as usual. How boring lol.

"Mama Finland, what's for breakfast?"

"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER I'M A MAN I'm making some pancakes, sit down dear and I'll bring you a plate."

Sweden slipped him a 1000 kronor note under the table.

"Good boy, keep calling him that, and I'll keep paying you."

Sealand nodded. Though he only really did it because Sweden is supah kowai, the money was a nice added bonus. (though think of all the water pistols he could buy for the next time he had to see England!)

"OK then wife, what are you doing today?"

Finland SLAMMED the knife down.

"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING WIFE, YOU CUNT I thought we'd take Sealand to Disneyland, he's always wanted to go after all~"

"YAY DISNEYLAND. THANK YOU MAMA FINLAND!"

"I'M NOT YOUR MAMA WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY YOU LITTLE FUCKER yes, well it'll be fun. Now finish up your pancakes and we'll get going!"

So they drove all the way to Disneyland, singing the Moomins theme all the way.

When they got there, Finland and Sweden took Sealand on loads of totally awesome rides! But it wasn't the most awesome thing ever, since he was too short to go on the REALLY scary ones. (though they were probably nothing compared to that Germany guy when he ran out of dogs)

"Mama Finland, I'm hungry!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BRAT AND NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN well, I suppose it is lunchtime… Let's find somewhere nice to eat!"

So they made their way to one of the 2834923723847289478 restaurants… Unbeknownst to them, there was a princess with alarming facial hair following them.

"HON HON HON, I WILL CATCH THEM OFF GUARD, AND STEAL THE SPAWN OF ANGLETERRE AS PAY BACK FOR THAT TIME HE DITCHED ME."

France pounced on Sealand whilst Finland and Sweden were off… idk, probably making out in the corner or something. THEY'RE MARRIED, IT'S ALLOWED.

"MAMAAAAAAA! PAPAAAAAAAA! HELP MEEEEEEE!"

"DON'T YOU FUCKING CALL ME MAMA! AND GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM YOU VILE RAT MOLESTER!"

"HEY IT WAS JUST ONCE. THAT RAT WAS SEXY."

"ENOUGH. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL. WE WILL FIGHT… ON THAT ROLLERCOASTER!"

"I ACCEPT."

So Finland and France started fighting on that Space Mountain ride.

"Papa Sweden, will mama and that crazy man be ok?"

"Probably, they are nations after all."

So ignoring the fact that they could have just run away, Sweden and Sealand watched Finland beat the crap out of France. France started crying, so Sealand ran up and gave him a BIIIG HUUUUG.

"It's ok, crazy man. By the way, if I go with you will you acknowledge me as a real nation?"

"Well, I don't see why not…"

"That's good enough for me! Bye bye mama and papa!"

Sealand waved as he walked off, hand in hand with France.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME MAMA YOU STUPID FUCKING BRAT wait, Sealand! Don't leave us!"

"Ah, it's no use wife. We should have just acknowledged him ourselves…"

"I TOLD YOU I'M NOT YOUR WIFE. FUCKING LISTEN TO ME I guess you're right… Wait, I think we left Hanatamago at home all day with no food or water!"

So Finland and Sweden hurried home, singing the Moomins theme in reverse (which isn't hard if your language is gobbledegook anyway).


	16. LET'S ALL GO TO FUCKING

WOW I AM SPOILING YOU TONIGHT. HOW KAWAII LOL.

* * *

France and Sealand were plotting. Specifically, they were plotting England's downfall.

"I say we wait until he's asleep then shave his eyebrows off!"

"Non, non. We need something better than that. Like, make him say that…"

"THAT I'M A NATION. That would be the worst thing for that twat to admit."

"Language, mon petit. Though you have a point! That's go with that. But I think we'll need more firepower here… I'll call Spain and Prussia!"

So France called his bffs.

Meanwhile, Sealand was left to his own devices.

"Hm… Latvia said that Russia is very strong and very good at persuading people to do stuff… I'm going to go ask him!"

So Sealand left their base in the eiffel tower, and set off across Europe. It started getting colder, so he knew he was getting close to Russia's house. He stole some warm clothes off some random Russian kid.

"Shit, it's even colder at mama Finland's house…"

"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER YOU STUPID CHILD."

Finland's wife/mother senses had kicked in, even though he was at his house and Sealand was in Russia. Some would say that it was because of his woman's intuition…

HELLO, FINLAND HERE. THE AUTHOR HAS BEEN KILLED BECAUSE I AM NOT A FUCKING WOMAN. I AM NO ONE'S WIFE, AND NO ONE'S MOTHER, LEAVE ME ALONE.

Well, now that Finland's identity crisis is over…

Sealand reached Russia's house, and knocked on the door. The door was opened by Latvia in a sexy maid outfit, and Lithuania was being chased by a very aroused bear in the background.

"Hey, Latvia, is Russia there? I need his help for something."

"Ah… Yes… M-Mr Russia is here…"

"HELLO COMRADE, WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL THE WAY TO MOTHER RUSSIA?"

Latvia fainted, lol.

"Hello Russia! I need your help. You see, me and France are going to make England say that he acknowledges me as a nation!"

Russia put on his creepy smile.

"I SEE COMRADE. WELL, MOTHER RUSSIA WILL HELP YOU DA. IT WILL BE FIVE MINUTES, BECAUSE I AM HELPING ESTONIA AT THE MOMENT. WE ARE TRYING TO GET LITHUANIA RAPED BY TWO BEARS AT ONCE. HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US?"

"Sure, I haven't got anything better to do!"

"Also, you need to become on with Russia."

"Only if you acknowledge me as a nation."

"Whatever, da."

So they got Liet impregnated by two bears at once. (EW MPREG) Then they went back to the eiffel tower base.

"BONJOUR MES AMIES. This is the plan. We ambush Angleterre, then make him say that he recognises Sealand as a true nation. LET'S GO."

They all grew wings and flew out to England's house in military formation. It was no surprise to any of them to see him in bed with Austria.

"WHAT, I WANTED TO SEE WHAT FUCKING IS LIKE, WANKERS. I HEARD THAT IT'S GOOD THIS TIME OF YEAR."

"Silence, jerk England! I think you know what we want to hear."

"I'LL NEVER ADMIT IT. NEVER."

"You have no choice. GET HIM."

Russia, Prussia, Spain and France all sat on top of England.

"Now say it, bitch."

"OK, OK. I… I… I…"

"GET ON WITH IT."

"I.. Enjoy wearing women's underwear. IT GIVES EXCELLENT SUPPORT. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE."

Everyone was so shocked that they left England's house, and England went over to his underwear drawer.

"I'm sorry, my lovelies. It looks like it's just you and me now, Ann Summers…"


	17. LIET KUN'S DAILY LIFE

TO EVERYONE WHO OFFERED ME SEX: SORRY, BUT I WILL ONLY DO IT WITH A DOG.

* * *

Around nine months later, they were having a meeting. It was America's turn to present an idea about how to combat global warming.

"… AND THE GIANT ROBOT WILL BE POWERED BY THE ENERGY OF GERMANY FUCKING A DOG. THAT IS HOW COMMITTED TO LOWERING CHOLESTEROL I AM!"

"IT'S CARBON EMISSIONS YOU IDIOT. CHOLESTEROL IS WHAT YOU HAVE LIKE A MILLION OF BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE ICKY BURGERS YOU EAT."

"THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU SAID LAST NIGHT!"

"I DISAGREE WITH BOTH OF YOU."

Germany banged his hands on the table.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP. AMERICA IS FAT, ENGLAND LOVES BURGERS, AND FRANCE IS STUPID. Now, tell me more about that bit with me with me dick in a dog…"

All of a sudden, Lithuania started feeling pains in his stomach.

"Mr Russia…"

"Lithuania, you can't be hungry again! Look how fat you are, you will have to wait until after the meeting."

"But I…"

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUESTIONING ME KOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOL."

So Lithuania stfu. But could stop worrying because worrying is what he does best these days. What if… But it's too early by like a week! Then the pain came back again, seemingly harder than before. Even though he's kind of masochistic, it was too much for poor wittle Wifuania and he squealed like a girl.

Everyone was like, WTF R U DOIN BITCH.

"I THINK I'M HAVING MY BABIES. LIKE, RIGHT NOW."

Finland knew immediately what to do, being a woman and all. YES OK, I KNOW, IT'S STILL VAGUELY AMUSING AND I HAVE NO OTHER MATERIAL. JUST LAY OFF, FUINURANDO.

"SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR, OH, AND ALL OF YOU MEN JUST LEAVE. THIS IS WOMAN'S BUSINESS."

"That's my wife!"

Finland chose not to dignify that with an answer, he was sure that Sweden was trying to annoy him on purpose…

The doctor arrived and he was all, STAND BACK I WILL DELIVER THESE BABIES, I HAVE READ MUCH SHITTY MPREG FANFICTION IN MY TIME. So he delivered them in some ~magical way~ and passed the anal babies to their kawaii mother. They were both half bear (FUCKIN FURFAGS), because their fathers were those bears that raped him. Let's just call them Putin and Medvedev, for convenience. (Medvedev means bear according to wikipedia, so it's appropriate lol) So one of the kawaii children had Putin's hair, the other had Medvedev's hair. They both had Lithuania's eyes. (how sweet~~~)

Poland was like, "those bears are like, so last season. You should like ttly done it with a pony."

"Poland, it's not like I had much of a choice…

"OH LIET YOU ARE LIKE SO FUNNEH LOLOLOLOL."

So eventually Lithuania and his babies were ready to go home. (to Russia's house, OBVIOUSLY)

"So… Can I hold your children Lithania?"

"Sure, Mr Russia, but be caref- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Russia placed the first child on his GIANT COCK.

"BABY FUCK BABY FUCK IT'S AAAAWWWWRRRIIIGGGHHTTTT!"

Then he blended it, and did the same with the other one. And forced Lithuania to drink it. They were surprisingly delicious, so he didn't mind all that much.


	18. MR TIDDLES THE MAGICAL CAT

I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS~ ALSO, FINALLY, AN EXPLANATION FOR ALL THE RAPE THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING RECENTLY...

* * *

England and America were watching a film. America was very pleased with it, it was full of ACTION and he was one of the main characters.

"America, does this film really need to have so much rape in it? I mean, me being raped by a magical undead eel and turning into the Hitcher? Lithuania getting raped by several bears? Russia raping Lithuania's half bear half human rape babies, then blending them and forcing him to drink it? Italy getting raped by the undead Holy Roman Empire? Really, it's not very realistic is it."

"I NOTICE YOU'RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT ME WHORING YOU OUT TO EVERYONE. AND PUTTING IN YOUR FETISH FOR WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR."

"I'm just saying you know… And I didn't get my reputation for being the biggest slut in the world for nothing!"

"ALSO, GERMANY CALLED, THAT CAT YOU HAVE KEEPS MESSING WITH HIS DOGS."

"Leave Mr Tiddles alone! He is no mere cat, but my familiar!"

As if by magic, a black cat with glowing green eyes appeared.

"What is it you require of me, Master."

America totally shrieked.

"OMG WHAT THIS FUCK IS THIS ENGLAND THE CAT TALKED OMG IT TALKED CALL THE ARMY I MUST TELL THE PRESIDENT OMG OMG OMG…"

So England shut him up by smothering him with a cushion.

"Oh, hello there Mr Tiddles. I just want you to wreak more havoc with Germany's dogs. Why don't you turn them purple this time?"

"As you wish, Master."

The cat bowed and disappeared again.

"lol, what's the point of having magical powers if you can't use them to piss off Europeans?"

So England pulled a fresh cup of tea out of his eyebrows, and drank it, using America as a saucer.

MEANWHILE, IN SOVIET GERMANY.

Italy was visiting Germany's house, because he needed some more flour to make pasta with and for some reason none of the shops in Italy had any.

"Ve~~ Ve~ Doitsu~~ Does purple dog sex taste like purple pasta?"

"ITALY THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER. I AM ALMOST ON THE VERGE OF STARTING ANOTHER WAR WITH ENGLAND, BECAUSE HE IS TELLING HIS CAT TO TURN MY DOGS PURPLE. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, PURPLE IS A VERY INEFFICIENT COLOUR. IT'S A MIXTURE OF RED AND BLUE! OF RED AND BLUE! I DON'T THINK YOU QUITE APPRECIATE THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS MATTER ITALY."

"I like purple ve~ It's pretty!"

"OI, are you shouting at cute Italy-chan, Germany? Because if you are, big brother's going to have to step in to defend his honor! DON'T WORRY LITTLE ITALY, THIS CUTE BIRD AND I WILL PROTECT YOU!"

Prussia had his sword out and EVERYTHING. This was srs bsns.

"He said that purple is a pretty colour."

"WHAT. NO WAY. ITALY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY- UH, I MEAN, GERMANY'S HOUSE."

Italy started crying, because Germany and Prussia are GIANT MEANIES and no one really likes them. Bastards.

"Ve~ I'm going to go and ask France for some flour… I'm sure he won't yell at me! T_T"

So Italy left, and went to France's house, where he found some flour. (that was actually heroin.)


	19. PASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OMG OMG OMG. MORE STUFF HAPPENS. OMG OMG OMG.

* * *

Italy eventually made it back to his own house, with the flour for his pasta. But he was very sad…

"Brother, what's wrong?"

"Germany and Prussia yelled at me when I went to ask for flour. I don't know what I've done wrong! I haven't touched any of his dogs…"

Italy started to cry. D:

"WHAT? Don't worry about those potato bastards, we don't need them to have a good time. Now make some dinner!"

So Italy made some delicious purple pasta out of the flour he stole from France. To put on top of it, Romano made some delicious pink sauce to go on top. When it was ready, they put the kawaii pasta onto yellow glittery Dora the explorer plates, and sat at their table.

"VE~ ITADAKIMASU!"

They started eating the pasuta, though it tasted kind of strange…

"This isn't like normal pasta… Where the fuck did you pick up the flour?"

"From France's house! It was just there in a bag so I stole it. I think he was violating a woodpidgeon so I didn't go in to see him…"

"Well ok… I suppose it isn't that bad…"

About half an hour after they finished eating, both Italy-chans started to feel odd.

"VEEE~~~ WHY ARE YOU TURNING BLUE? AND WHY DO YOU HAVE YELLOW POLKADOTS ALL OVER YOUR FINGERNAILS?"

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. WHY ARE YOU SPAIN? I DON'T WANT NO FUCKING INQUISITION!"

SUDDENLY. Dora the Explorer flew down. (idk, SHE'S JUST ALIVE ALRIGHT?)

"OMG YOU GUYS. HOLA~ Also stop doing drugs I'm seven and what is this."

Romano ran away screaming.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHH IT'S SPAIN, STOP INQUISITATING ME YOU DICK. TAKE MY BROTHER INSTEAD, HE IS INSIDE OUT."

"Ve~ I think it is time for like a million siestas, bye bye."

And then Dora the Explorer vanished because she was never really there.

Because she's a fucking cartoon character.

Sorry to get your hopes up, pedophiles.

Anyway, by this point France was looking for his purple heroin. He didn't take long to guess exactly who had taken it, because there was a trail of pasta leading out the door.

"HON HON HON. Now I must invade le Italy, and take back my le heroin!"

All of a sudden, two tiny Joan of Arcs appeared on his shoulders. (She's his conscience, duh) One was dressed like an angel, the other was dress like a demon. (OMG I KNEW SHE WAS A WITCH, BURN THE WITCH)

"France, you must not hurt le Italies too much, for they are le stupid."

"FUCK IT, RAPE THEM, RAPE THEM FOREVERRRR."

"JE SUIS LE CONFUSED. GO AWAY."

And so they went away. Since they were IMAGINARY to begin with.

So France decided to go to visit Italy again.

"THIS TIME I shall not le surrender!"

So he broke into their house and stole what was left of the purple heroin. Eventually Romano came back and Italy woke up and then they were like "WE ARE SO NEVER EATING ANYTHING FROM FRANCE'S HOUSE AGAIN."

The next day, Germany came round to apologise for being such a cunt to his ~darling~ ~precious~ Itaria-chan.

"OMG ITALY I AM SO SORRY. TO SHOW HOW SORRY I AM, I PRESENT YOU WITH THIS DOG. IT HAS ONLY BEEN LIGHTLY USED, SO YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH IT."

"It's ok Doitsuuu~ We're still kawaii bffs even when I take heroin! :D"


	20. POOR BUSH

I HAVE CHURNED OUT YET ANOTHER CHAPTER OF AWESOME JUST FOR YOU, NO NEED TO THANK ME, I DO IT OUT OF KINDNESS, NOT FOR RECOGNITION. AFTERALL, THE WORLD NEEDS MORE LITERARY GREATS. I AM OBVIOUSLY WAY BETTER AT WRITING THAN LOSERS LIKE SHAKESPEARE.

* * *

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She had kind of bland features (brown hair, brown eyes), but apart from that she was ridiculously pretty. Not that anyone noticed, because she wasn't one of those stupid preps who dressed like sluts. But she had a secret.

She had special powers! She has been born with the ability to read minds, and to change her appearance to whatever she wanted. But none of the stupid close-minded preps at school believed her and so they bullied her forever. Life sucks. D:

So this girl (she calls herself Princess Mooncrystel Rainbownightraven-chan XVII, but we'll call her Mary-Sue for short) was walking to school one day, when she saw a man walking the other way down the street. He was a very attractive man, with long hair and shit. Mary-Sue blushed, and tried not to stare. Because obviously, she was going through her kawaii bisexual catgirl phase, and she should really be looking for a girlfriend instead. Nyaa~

All of a sudden, a car swerved off the road as she was about to pass the pretty man. Because of her crazy catgirl instincts, she shoved the man out of the way of the car and they both tumbled to the floor. When she opened her eyes, she saw that the man was on top of her and she squealed.

"Are you ok, random girl I met on the street who I will probably never meet again after today?"

"Y-Yes…"

All of a sudden, she had a psychic flash! Which pretty much went along the lines of 'KILL ROME KILL ROME KILL ROME'. When she came to, the guy was looking at her strangely.

"Right, you're weird, I'm leaving. PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE ARE FUCKING STUPID."

"Wait, at least tell me your name?"

"Well, since you asked so nicely. My name is Legolas, and I'm a level 234893 Dark Chaos Lord Mage Destroyer. (I've never played WoW derp derp) Now if you're excuse me, I'm off to destroy Rome again."

With that, the handsome stranger left. Mary-Sue felt all hot inside, and her cheeks were glowing pink. She decided that she must be in true love, and that this mysterious man would become her boyfriend! (and take her virginity, because everyone else was afraid to touch her lol) So she followed him like a crazy stalker. (fuck school, ~true love~ is much more important)

Eventually, her future boyfriend went into a house. So, Mary-Sue decided that she would watch him through the window. As quietly as she could, she hid underneath the bushes under the window, and listened.

"WELCOME HOME ELF BOY. THIS LITTLE BIRD AND I WERE GETTING PISSED, WANT TO JOIN US? WE STILL HAVE 2930482940 BOTTLES OF FINE GERMAN BEER TO GET THROUGH BEFORE GERMANY GETS HOME."

"Sorry, I have to destroy Rome again on WoW. He's been getting a little too cocky lately, and Ancient Egypt was going to help me to beat him down. AND DON'T CALL MY ELF BOY, I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO WITH ALL THIS LEGOLAS CRAP."

"WHATEVER. MORE FOR US THEN LITTLE BIRD, KESESESESESESESE."

Mary-Sue peeked through the window, trying to get a good look at this crazy guy who was teasing her beloved. Unfortunately, she slipped, and let out a cry of pain as she hit the floor. This alerted the two hawt guys, and they came outside and saw her.

"Hey, you're that crazy chick who pushed me out of the way of the horseless chariot! What are you doing here?"

"OH GREAT, YOU GOT A STALKER. AND SHE RUINED GERMANY'S FAVOURITE BUSH. HE'S GOING TO BLAME ME YOU KNOW. ALL BECAUSE OF THAT ONE TIME WHEN I SHOVED IT INSIDE AUSTRIA'S PIANO…"

Mary-Sue was confused, why were they talking about countries like that? Were they codenames or something?

"Um… What are you people?"

"KESESESE, THE AWESOME ME WILL EXPLAIN. YOU SEE, WE ARE NATIONS. I'M PRUSSIA, AND LEGOLAS HERE IS GERMANIA."

"So… You guys don't exist anymore?"

"Prussia you idiot. You don't just go around telling people that we're nations, we're going to have to kill her now. Well, have fun with that. I've got an empire to tear apart."

Mary-Sue was shocked. How could her true love do such a thing? Afterall, she didn't care if he was a nation or not, they would still be able to live together in love and happiness forever! She started to cry.

Prussia, naturally, didn't give a shit and shot her in the face. He then dismembered her, and threw her to the dogs.

A little while later, Germany came home and went to inspect his dogs.

"PRUSSIA, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT FEEDING HUMANS TO THE DOGS. Girls in particular have really long hair, Blackie could have choked to death is I hadn't come home when I did."

"Sure, I'll remember that when you stop trying to feed my little bird non-alcoholic beer. I HATE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE PURPLE."

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK."

"NEVEEEEEEEER."

"SHUT UP CHILDREN, CAN'T I SACK ROME IN PEACE FOR ONCE?"

"Sorry Legolas."

And all was right in the world again.


	21. LET'S GET ROYAL MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME PEOPLE DON'T REGARD THIS AS THE GREATEST WORK OF LITERATURE SINCE MAN LEARNT HOW TO WRITE. WELL FUCK YOU, PRINT THIS MASTERPIECE OFF AND TAKE IT TO YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER, THEN WE'LL SEE WHETHER I'M BETTER THAN SHAKESPEARE.

* * *

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN and Russia. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO THIS MEETING. BTW IT WAS ALL ENGLAND'S IDEA."

"AS IF YOU WANKER. I was going to have a nice day off, I was going to go and feed the ducks in peace and quiet but you bloody ruined it…"

"AS I WAS SAYING. WE ARE HERE TODAY TO WATCH THE MARRIAGE OF THAT PRINCE AND PRINCESS FROM ENGLAND. I wish President Whale was here to see this…"

There was a moment of silence in memory of the beautiful whale, who was still greatly missed by everyone since he was the best leader that America has ever had. RIP, MR WHALE.

"Why do you care, you've always hated the monarchy. Heck, I don't even care, it's just another bank holiday for most people in Britain. Why are your stupid tourists flocking to my wonderful country anyway? If you really like it that much, you can always be a part of my glorious empire again…"

America was sorely tempted, because really, the queen is such a BADASS. But he shut up in case his mouth got him in trouble again. (and how would he explain to Obama that he was fired because America had agreed to become one with the UK again? AWKWARD.)

Meanwhile, in a dark corner of the room, Rome and Germania were beating the shit out of each other on WoW.

"Why do we even have to be here? This laptop is so slow. I want to go home and pwn you properly."

"You, pwn me? Are we forgetting who the most powerful empire in the history of the world was?"

"Are we forgetting who destroyed the ~most powerful empire~?"

"Oh, it's on now bitch."

"WOULD YOU GUYS SHUT UP, WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THIS."

America was sooo angry. I mean, how could anyone interrupt something so beautiful?

"YES, SHUT UP. I WANT TO SEE SOME BEAUTIFUL CORGIES, DAMNIT."

Germany of course, was much more interested in seeing his favourite creatures perform. He was thinking about sneaking into the queen's house and stealing a couple of the little harlots.

"OK GUYS, IT'S STARTING. DON'T MESS THIS UP FOR ENGLAND, HE'S REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT."

"As if I am, this is your idea remember!"

"HON HON HON mon petit Angleterre, you are so uptight."

"Mind your own bloody business, frog. You're just jelly because you killed off your royal family years ago."

France got seriously depressed by this, and so went to mope in a corner all day.

"OMG LOOK AT THEM WALKING. THAT BUILDING IS COOL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD SUCH COOL THINGS IN LONDON?"

"I TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES. But noooo, America always has better things. Except not, because you are obviously jealous of my royal family."

"AM NOT."

"ARE TOO."

"D2."

"Just shut up."

"Yes mom."

"It's mum, actually."

So then some more stuff happened on tv.

"Hey, she's not wearing the Shinatty dress I sent her aru! What a travesty aru!"

"Don't you mean Hello Kitty, China-san?"

China almost killed Japan right there. OMG HOW DARE HE.

"HOW DARE YOU ARU. Are you insinuating that a future queen would wear something that had a rip off of Shinatty on it aru? Just because you took off the mouth doesn't mean it's cuter aru. And you can still tell that you stole the idea from Shinatty aru."

Japan went SUPER SAIYAN.

"HEY. DON'T YOU SAY THAT ABOUT KITTY-CHAN. IT'S ON NOW."

China also powered up, using his 10000 year old kung fu mastery power.

"IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"

All of a sudden, England stood up to leave.

"HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? IT'S GETTING TO THE GOOD PART."

"Sorry to say, I have an invitation to the reception. See you late, losers."

America started crying like a girl.

"I want to come too! It's not fair… Why won't you let me come?"

"It's not a state occasion, I don't have to let you come. Unless…"

America stopped crying immediately, because he was really just being melodramatic. O HAI HOLLYWOOD.

"UNLESS WHAT?"

"Unless… You become part of my empire, help me get the rest of my colonies back, and help me rape the shit out of Europe. You know, like it used to be in the old days."

America thought hard about this. You know, as hard as an American can think about anything. (lol, Britfag here. Amurrika is way inferior.)

"OK, I'll do it! But you'd better not force me to drink tea, or I'll throw it in the sea again!"

The other countries looked on in horror. OH GOD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

"Excellent. Well, cheerio old chaps. We have a wedding to go to. TALLY HO!"

"What he said! Well… BRITISH AMERICA AWAY!"

"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED."

"Ve~ Looks like it'll be world war three, and we'll have to fight together again Doitsu~ Ve~ Ve~ Just think of the fun we used to have!"

Germany immediately found a gun and put it to his forehead.

"NOOOOO ALL HOPE IS LOST, TELL PRUSSIA HE CAN HAVE GERMANY AND BE A COUNTRY AGAIN, I CAN'T COPE WITH ANOTHER WAR IN WHICH I HAVE TO TEACH ITALY HOW TO FIGHT."

But then he put the gun down when a picture of a corgi flashed up on the tv screen.

"If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room."

All of a sudden, Russia slammed his empty vodka bottle down on the table.

"How.. How sneaky. If only I had a royal family still, everyone would want to be one with me. I could have so many friends…"

MEANWHILE AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION.

England was just chatting away to the Queen, as usual, since they're massive bffs. (they're even friends on facebook) When America decided to do something really stupid and attention-whoreish. (so basically, something American.)

"LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE."

All the posh people and notsoposh people stopped their conversations and stared at the crazy man who was standing on Prince Philip's favourite dining table. England dropped his glass of champagne in horror.

"FIRSTLY. I wanna say congratulations on the behalf of the American people to Will and Kate. YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME. SECONDLY. The USA has just become one with the UK. Isn't that just awesome? Hey, you can be an empire again! Sun never sets and all that nonsense. WAY COOL, RIGHT?"

England face palmed. STUPID BOY. America was already on his phone telling Obama, whilst the wedding guests started talking amongst themselves about the exciting news.

On the way home that evening, England started yelling at America.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR, STUPID BRAT."

"But, I thought that was what you wanted? I was just telling everyone…"

"IT WAS JUST A JOKE, YOU IDIOT."

"Oh."


	22. THEY DID THE MONSTER MASH

HELLO EVERYONE. I'M BAAAACK. :D Still better than Shakespeare btw.

* * *

Meanwhile in Greece...

Greece was very sad. He had been counting his money over and over but he still only had 2.64. That's like, fuck all money. So he went to bed.

4.65 minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

"GREECE, WAKE UP. YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A SOLUTION TO THIS SHITTY MONEY CRISIS THING OR I'LL INTRODUCE YOUR CATS TO MY DOGS."

After about three hours of constant banging, Greece woke up.

"Germany... Again... Fuck this shit, I bet I can get a decent sleep in Japan's house."

So Greece dug a tunnel all the way to Japan, and ended up in Japan's garden. Unfortunately, the tunnel ended in the fish pond and the fish ended up dead. But this was ok because they were just robots like everything else in Japan. (but don't ask me how they survived in water because SCIENCE LOL)

Anyway, Greece ignored the fact that he was soaking wet and went to sleep on Japan's bed. Japan was horrified. OMG GREECE-SAN. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT GETTING WET IN JAPAN MAKES YOU ILL? But before he could do anything about it, the phone started ringing.

"Moshi moshi desu~" Japan said in his moe-est voice.

"JAPAN ARUUU. IT'S ME, CHINA, ARU. I sent you a message about the awesome new theme park I'm building, you know, Shinattyland. You should totally come and see it aru. I'm having a party to open it and loads of people will be there aruuu. Like, America and Poland and Sealand and that guy... what was his name again? And Dora the Explorer and Eelie the Eel and France and..."

"CHUUGOKU-SAN. Stop right there! KITTY-CHAN BELONGS TO ME DESU."

"YOU LIE ARU. Of all people I didn't think you'd be the one to perpetuate those kinds of stereotypes, my dear Nippon-pon. Just you wait until I give Korea a call..."

"NOOOOOOOOOO, you wouldn't!"

Greece was annoyed because their shrill little girl voices has woken him up again. He stole Japan's wallet (stealing is bad, kids) and left the house.

"Zeusdamnit I need to find somewhere quiet."

So Greece pulled out a globe and carefully selected his next destination. He went to the airport and asked for a ticket to Sealand.

"I would like to buy one ticket to Sealand please, desu."

(quick language tip: adding desu to a sentence makes it Japanese desu. See? I'm pretty much fluent in Japanese desu)

He paid for the ticket using Japan's money and boarded the plane. It was a long flight but the passengers were idiots so Greece didn't get to sleep. There was this one little boy who kept playing on some shitty game console thing and it was so annoying that Greece threw it out the window. Then the little boy kept crying and crying, and his mother was very angry.

She was being so annoying that Greece jumped out of the smashed window and parachuted down to Sealand's house.

"Hello there Sealand, what are you doing?"

Sealand was actually trying to resurrect the whale that used to be America's president.

"I'm resurrecting this whale! I'm going to make him king of Sealand! And then you'll all have to recognise me as a powerful nation, lolololololol."

"OK Sealand. Well, do you mind if I sleep here for a bit? Germany and Japan are way too noisy and I can't get any sleep around them. And being Greece, that's all I can do."

"Sure, whatever."

So Greece went to sleep. However, a bolt of lightning suddenly struck Sealand's house! It was pretty scary, but somehow it revived the whale. And then he... he...

HE DID THE MASH

HE DID THE MONSTER MASH

THE MONSTER MASH

IT WAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH

HE DID THE MASH

IT CAUGHT ON IN A FLASH

HE DID THE MASH

HE DID THE MONSTER MASH

FROM MY LABORATORY IN THE CASTLE EAST

TO THE MASTER BEDROOM WHERE THE VAMPIRES FEAST

THE GHOULS ALL CAME FROM THEIR HUMBLE ABODES

TO GET A JOLT FROM MY ELECTRODES

THE DID THE MASH

And so Greece decided to just give up and go home. These guys were more retarded than Turkey. Seriously.


	23. THE KAWAII ADVENTURE OF THE FRANKENWHALE

OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE~ (jk cut that shit out)

* * *

Frankenwhale was bored. There wasn't really much to do in Sealand, being that it was actually smaller than he was. So he left. But where to go?

He didn't really fancy going back to America, because he'd already been the president and doing that again would just be boring. So he set off for Russia instead. Surely there was something interesting happening there...

But not far from Russia he stopped. There were two small nations huddled together, shaking.

"Hello there, Latvia and Estonia!" the frankenwhale groaned in his best humanspeak. "What are you doing there on the beach? It's winter you morons."

"M-m-mister Russia said we had to stay out here until Lithuania's shark-pterodactyl-rabbit-vampire-bear-babies were born. So we're j-just chillin'."

The frankenwhale flipped down his sunglasses.

"That's cool, bro. Mind if I join you? It's pretty boring being the King of Sealand, there's not much happening over there."

"Well, ok then."

The frankenwhale reached into its mouth and pulled out three cheeseburgers. It had gotten a taste for them after America had given it one, lactose intolerance be damned. It threw one each to Latvia and Estonia, who gratefully started eating.

"You know, these might even be better than borscht." Estonia said.

"E-even better than p-pirozhki." Latvia agreed.

"GIVE US MOAR."

The frankenwhale was scared. I mean, it's not like either of them could swim as far out as he was, but they probably had boats and they came with harpoons and stuff. So he swam away as fast as he could.

He swam until he reached Germany, which in geography terms is not actually that far away from Latvia and Estonia but it's better than nothing, right? On the German beach was a man and a dog.

"Heyyy Germany, what's happening bro?"

"Oh fuck, it's the whale. And I was just going to violate this poodle. CAN'T A MAN GET ANY PRIVACY AROUND HERE? No seriously, I had to buy Prussia tickets to Disneyland just to get him out of the country..."

Frankenwhale shrugged his best whaley shrug.

"Don't stop on my account. I'm a pretty open guy. I mean, I'm already dead and shit."

So Germany made sweet sweet love to the poodle, propelling it billions of miles into the air with his massive cock. The dog loved every second. (disclaimer: no animals were harmed in the writing of this piece of shit. Except the whale but we did revive him so...)

After about two hours of watching repetitive nation/dog sex, the frankenwhale got bored again.

"Is there no one who can entertain me?"

It started crying. But no one could tell because it was in the water at the time. It pulled out a large (whale-sized) bottle of vodka and got totally wasted.

Unfortunately, this proved fatal for the poor frankenwhale, because in a drunken stupor, it managed to swim into Japanese waters.

"FIRE THE HARPOONS DESUUUUU."

Japan dined on whale meat that night. But because it was the frankenwhale, the meat was rotten and decomposing, so Japan got a horrendous case of food poisoning and had to stay in bed for like, a year or so. And Italy brought him purple pasta every day...


	24. AND ALL THAT HE COULD DISNEYLAND

EVERYONE READING THIS JUST LOST THE GAME.

* * *

"OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG LITTLE BIRD!11 DISNEYLAND IS SO AWESOMEEEE. Nearly as awesome as me, which is PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME. But just a little bit more awesome than alcohol. OMG DO YOU THINK THEY HAVE ALCOHOL AT DISNEYLAND?/""2312rfnjekfehjkjke

While Prussia was acting like a three year old, France came up behind him.

"MON PETIT POIS. I have a beautiful country and when you come and visit moi you only want to go to Disneyland? Je suis tres disappointed. Oh and obviously we have alcohol, this is la France after all!"

In a shower of pretty pink sparks a bottle of wine appeared. (every French person can do this trick, I'm not even kidding, I've been to France. More than once.) Prussia grabbed it from France's sweaty hand and read the label.

"11.5%?2/?"? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT. German tap water is stronger than this! Forget it, I don't want any part in your shitty Disneyland. Little bird, invisible terrorist ninja, piece of toast, WE ARE LEAVING."

France cried as Prussia called down Germany's private jet (complete with doggy play pens!) and left. The piece of toast was torn, he didn't want to leave yet because he hadn't got Minnie's autograph, but he didn't want to be left alone in France. Eventually, he was pecked to death by a flock of pidgeons. Such is life for bread.

"Where shall we go next little bird? SOMEWHERE AWESUM PLZKTHX."

The little bird jumped down on a globe and started pecking at one area in particular.

"Russia? Are you serious? THAT WAS PIECE OF TOAST'S FAVOURITE COUNTRY. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD BE THAT INSENSITIVE!"

The bird let out a single manly tear, and hopped to another place on the inflatable light-up globe.

"OK, I approve, LET'S GOOO."

The plane sped off around the world, until it reached...

"ALOHA, PRUSSIA! Welcome to the land of HEROISM!11 I AM AN HERO! Would you like a cheeseburger?"

Hawaii had seemed like such a good place to go (it's nearly spelt the same way as kawaii. NEARLY) until Prussia realised that it was part of America.  
"WURST. VACATION. EVER. We're going home little bird, invisible terrorist ninja, you can stay with America."

So they went back to Germany, where they found that something horrible had happened!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO!"

Prussia collapsed onto his knees, trembling and clutching his head in his hands. Everything was so, so, terrible! How could something like this have happened! Never again would he leave the house if he thought it could happen again.

Germany had taken Prussia's basement, and had set up kennels in there for all his dogs!

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUH.

What, you were expecting something original? LOL, BECAUSE I'M GERMANY.

The door bell rang.

"Well, I don't think today could go any worse... The awesome ME shall open the door! Maybe I can sell them some of these dogs! MY IDEAS ARE THE BEST AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA."

Prussia opened the door, ready to throw Germany's dogs at the invader. But it was...

"KAWAII ITALY-CHAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?/"

Italy's adorableness totally caught Prussia off guard. (like totally)

"Ve~ Ve~ Prussiaaaa, Germany said I can come for a sleepover! He said he's going to finally tell me what sex is. Veee~ Would you like some pasta?"

Prussia slammed the door before Italy could say anything else.

"OMG WHY is bruder-chan desu inviting Italy over without let me know first? THIS IS A DISGRACE."

So Prussia walked over to Germany and punched him in the face.


End file.
